Numb Reactions

At the funeral for my father, the 4 of us brothers were designated to sit on the front left row of the church.  My father's 3 brothers were designated to sit on the right front row. The rest of the family, including my Sisters, and the families, were behind us. Only my father and the priest and altar boys were before us. I suppose the purpose of this may have been that we would all be pall bearers, and therefore the front rows were the logical place.

I don't suppose logic is a big part of funerals. Not for me anyway.

My wife and my daughters were in the row directly behind us brothers. I felt alone and miserable, sad and emotional.  I needed my own family, my wife and daughters to prop me up and support me. So, I left my brothers isolated and alone on that front row and went back to sit with my own family.

Heartbroken, bereft, my tears flowed freely. I could not fathom my father was gone. My middle daughter put her arms around me and propped me up, supported me. I was a mess, and she knew exactly what to do and say to support me. My wife and my other daughters were there too, and so it was. At a time I was most alone in the world, I was not alone at all, and those 4 people I most value in the world were there behaving exactly as I needed them to.  My brothers, on the row in front of me, had to face these moments of grief alone, and find their comfort with family and friends later. I knew I needed it right then and there, as the pain was too much for me to bear alone.

In another day and time, many years later....with my wife suffering the most fell blow she has ever taken, something similar happened.  It was a few days after my mother-in-law died, and we were having an estate sale for wife's family. My wife was distraught, brokenhearted, and suffering greatly.  Cars were parking in front of my mother-in-laws house to come walk through the estate sale.  Some neighbors, from several doors down, knocked on the door and informed us that the cars were parking in front of their house and they needed to be moved. Terrible, hurtful timing.  The same daughter, my second, took the neighbors outside and proceeded to lambaste them greatly. She informed them that the house was suffering a great lost, that the family was in great mourning, and that they need to chill. She was forceful, a bit scary even. The neighbors, properly redressed, left and bothered us no more.

Two incidents, one daughter.  She had acted decisively and forcefully both times. She had been led by her heart, by the spirit, and by her own instincts and had acted appropriately.  I could not have been more proud as I was of that daughter during those moments. Either of my other two daughters have those same inbred instincts, as does my dear wife. They always seem to know the right thing to say or do, at the right moment, at all times.

I bring this up because, I fear, that my instincts are nowhere near as honed as should be.  At times like this, where decisive, proactive, immediate action is needed, I am not sure I can so easily chose the right reaction.  I have long known that I have internal governors and filters that slow my response and dull my instincts.  I carry with me a serene calmness and numbness that prevents me from the kind of quick response my daughter displayed. Where decisiveness is needed I sometimes hang back too much. Where instincts need acted upon, I allow complacency to reign.  

Most of the faculties we call instincts  are there with us from the day we are born. Some are honed and heightened over time with training and practice.  But most of those instincts are there all ready to use the day we are born unto this world.  Through the Spirit of God we can also receive promptings to act upon if we are attuned with the Spirit. That is a Gift we all can wield.  But my fear is that my internal filters and governors are getting in the way of my natural instincts and my communications with the Spirit. I want to battle my tendency to 'under react', but I have a long hill to crime. 

I am not one to lament my youth, my youth was my youth for better or worse.  There were many blessings, some that still reward me to this very day, derived from my youth. However, I know that the nature of my youth contributes to my internal numbness. If there was one thing I would change about my youth, it would be that.  I'd like to see myself loose the shackles of inner indecision that prevent myself from being fully human. In so doing, to be a better husband, father, and citizen of the world.

I have a bit of work to do.

Cheers, nca