Rook to Queens Night 3

  One of my coworkers was asking me recently about a young acquaintance who recently sent them a Facebook 'Friend' request. The youngster was still a teen, she lived in a very distant place, and only knew my co-worker through being a friend of a friend. My coworker, a married father (decades her senior) was asking me if I thought it was appropriate to accept the friendship request.

  Like, I would know. What is the context of the friend request? Is the youngster just seeking to add to the number of 'friends' on her blue Facebook palate? Is the youngster interested in all the friends of the co-acquaintance? Is she a stalker? Is she just seeking to connect with someone? Is she reaching out? Is she perhaps worried about the co-acquaintance? Did she hit 'Friend' by accident? The possibilities are endless, surely. And still I must mention that I certainly don't know any of the parties involved all that well. Nor do I have any innate ability to determine a motive or possible outcomes from accepting or denying the 'Friendship'.



  But the subject did give me pause to contemplate the nature of friendships. Real, actual, solid lasting friendships. Facebook 'Friends' are not 'Friends' in that traditional sense. Certainly, you can have true Friends on Facebook, I do. But I also have relatives, acquaintances, co-workers, college chums, school-yard chums, friends of friends, and people not even friendly to me at all in my 'Circle of Facebook Friends'.  Google calls them your 'Circle'. Tumblr calls those entities 'Followers'....which is a scary term in a very Manson way.  So Facebook Friends are a network application  invention that is different entirely than real live honest to gosh friendships.

I probably can count on one hand the number of people who I can actually put in this category. True Friends. To do that, I have to weed out years of acquaintances, coworkers, chums, dates, relatives, peers, etc. etc. etc. Whereby some event put me in the path of someone human, someone who touched my life, someone whom I crossed paths with but not necessarily crossed the nebulous mysterious invisible line into true friendship.

And what sent that mysterious path to true friendship in motion. Is it something that someone can quantify, bottle, rinse and repeat? For one true friend I have, going back over 40 years in time....the friendship motion was put in place by a clod of dirt. The friend, Steve, I had known previously through Boy Scouts and Little League, was not a true friend until the day my brothers and I hid behind some Oleanders and rained dirt clods on him when he was doing his paper route.


Mayhem ensued, a dirt clod war occurred, and the start of a friendship was put in motion. That friendship has long endured. At times I may go years without seeing my friend, but the renewal of friendship occurs independent of time or distance; the comradery  honed by time and patience and affection and concern seems to grow and thrive impervious to all influence. The minute my friend and I are in the same room, regardless of the length of time we have been separated, we are in discussion on family, friends, spouses, health, memories, worries. Before long, inevitably, a chess board is on the table and he is beating me at another easy going match.


Can true friendships develop on Facebook? By  randomness similar to what I described above, it would be crazy to think that they could not. By the random nature of Friendships, it is inevitable that this would occur. Somewhere among that circle of Friends on our app, true friends are bound to exist. However, the medium is no guarantee of that in any way. Indeed, the friend I described is not even on Facebook. He tried it for a few months and discarded it as unnecessary to the progression of his life.

Yet in some ways, Facebook (and other social apps) may deprive us of those true friendships. How does time sitting before a keyboard (as I am now) take us away from 'real life'? When does the virtual existence eclipse the real and tangible existence? What are we missing when we are online, connected, cyber-bound.

For a while I spent a great deal of time searching out old buddies, girl friends, schoolmates and 'Friending' them. I was fairly successful at doing this, since I am pretty good with search logic and finding clues online. I'm not sure what I was searching for, connections with my psst I suppose. I found particular joy in, once finding a friend and successfully 'Friending' them, 'Suggesting' them to other mutual friends. This, in effect, would (in my mind) tighten the circle of my past. After some time doing this elapsed, I found this tactic oddly uncomfortable. I could not separate me from this cyber-stalker version of me. I felt like an intruder upon lives  of people who had long ago discarded acquaintanceship to me. And by 'Suggesting' them to other 'Friends', I was inflicting possible deeper damage in exposing others to the demons and angels of their past.  Upon that realization, and at a point where due to some unwanted bothersome family postings, I elected to let go of all these 'Friends'. My thought is that if they ever elect to seek me out, surely I will 'Friend' them once more. But then it will feel to me more like a mutual friendship than online voyeurism solely initiated by me.

 I would love to hear your take on these thoughts. But as I wrap up this post I want to just shout out to all my  friends and voice my sincere appreciation of each of you. To me,  your friendship is sustaining and fulfilling and valued. And to others reading this post, may the magic of friendship shine upon you, and may your lives be filled with the same joy I have in my friendships and loved ones. Put down the mouse and go call your best buddy and challenge him to a game of chess right now. Maybe you will beat him this time.

Cheers, nca. .