Who is this guy.

Who is this guy?

Really?

In December, I will have worked for the Airline 20 years. Before that, it was the University for 8 years. 28 years working in IT. Which means....desk jobs, more or less. Programming, Development, Production Support, Pagers, Databases, COBOL, JCL. But it was not always that way...

I worked for the YMCA (youth Camps) for some five summers. I worked libraries, restaurants, Forest Service, worked for a plumber digging ditches, and I worked as a Page at the library. I mowed lawns, painted apartments. Most of those jobs were on my feet, some were outdoors, almost every job much more physical then what I do now.

How did this come to be? Where did I make the turn in my life from a physical worker to a sedentary worker?

Daughters, I suppose. At the time I met my beautiful wife, I was a nomad of sorts. I lived from paycheck to paycheck, job to job. I sought adventure, I sought the outdoors, I led a physical existence. I drove a Motorcycle and was never in the same place more then 5 or 6 months. With marriage and two quick daughters...the need for responsibility/grounding/clipping of wings had to take place. My daughters needed health insurance, a home, some degree of stability. They needed a Mother and Father. Not to mention, I needed all that too.

All good. No doubt. Every responsible Father needs to turn that corner if he is going to be of worth. Cowboy up!!!

Still, looking back at the change in my personality, I sometimes miss the nomad part of myself. When I hear a train-whistle, I can't help but think of riding freight cars across California, Nevada, and Utah. When I smell the pine, I can't help but think of leading groups of youth on hikes into the Bradshaw mountains or down Havasupi. When I see graffiti, I think about writing short poems on a highway underpass is Canada while waiting for the next ride to pick me up.

How far have we evolved from the nomad tribes of our ancestors? As men, where do we draw the line and divorce ourselves from our testosterone induced heritage...fight of flight, pick up our tent and move on, conquer our enemies, plant our staffs upon the earth and piss around to mark our territory? 

Is this why it is so difficult for some men to turn the corner, to put family first? To hang up the spurs and strap on the baby shoulder harness? How, as men, are we to balance this duality of our spirits? The need to be men verses the need to be husbands and fathers. Some do this so well. I'm not sure I did, and sometimes I fear I may have gone too far toward losing my masculinity, while other times I thought I could have been a better husband and father.

One thing I know, is I don't know one thing.  :)  As Bill Cosby once said..."If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right."

Cheers, nca

P.S. To Read A Little More About the Role of Fathers, I recommend reading "The Family: A Proclamation To The World