Rear View Mirror

I was driving in my car to work yesterday, listening to 'The Troubled Man', by Henning Mankell for the second time. There was a line in the book that says 'History is not only in our past, it follows us around'. My guess that he was quoting someone else may or may not be true, since I later googled the term and did not find it in those exact words online. Again, Henning writes native in Swedish, so who knows the exact term he used in the book prior to translating.

So, I credit it to Mr. Mankell and Wallander for now. But the quote seems very poignant for me for many reasons.

I'm 53 now, so much of my life is behind me. My personal history is creeping around back there, constantly sneaking up on me. I find often that history involves my father, little bits and pieces of him hanging out back there mixing with my own personality from time to time.

Also, those events in my life that stick out from the others are always back there ready to pop out like a jack-in-the box. These are critical mistakes I have made. These are odd or mean things people chose to do to me along my path. These were life altering events like the death of a dog or of a father, the birth of children. These are lies I told to people I care about. These are friends I dropped along the way due to neglect, or changes in perception, or in disloyalty. These are mean events of temper thrust upon my kids or wife. And these are accomplishments missed. This is my history, the good and the bad, the ugly and the sad. Let us not forget the joyful and the exciting and the thrilling.

My history is constantly growing and my future is consistently shrinking. And both facts come into play day by day. I can not stop the process, I have no power over time. Time has another master. The growing shadow in my rear view mirror is a monster beyond my control. What quantity of time I have here on this earth is another event beyond my control. There is only one thing I have the control stick to manipulate and that is what I do with this very moment, and the next, and the next. One step at a time.

The creature in the shadows behind me is no monster. He is nothing to be afraid of. He can teach me, he can guide me, but he can not harm me unless I allow him to. Though I might fear the creature I am marching toward quite a bit, in the end he too is benign. Because I have faith I know that there is something greater beyond my future and though I must stumble blindly through my future, I still have the power to do so with dignity and with grace if I so choose.

When I was young my Mom made a bargain for me on my birthdays. I was allowed to pick something I liked to do and she would take me. For me, on my birthdays, I usually picked a movie to go to. One year, I picked Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The song 'Golden Ticket', from the movie, fits into this theme a bit:

I never thought my life could be
Anything but catastrophe
But suddenly I begin to see
A bit of good luck for me

'Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye

I never had a chance to shine
Never a happy song to sing
But suddenly half the world is mine
What an amazing thing

[Spoken]
It's ours, Charlie!

[Sung]
I've got a golden sun up in the sky

I never thought I'd see the day
When I would face the world and say
Good morning, look at the sun
I never thought that I would be
Slap in the lap of luxury
'Cause I'd have said:

Charlie:
It couldn't be done

Grandpa Joe:
But it can be done

I never dreamed that I would climb
Over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it's there that I'm
Shortly about to be

Grandpa Joe and Charlie:
'Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden chance to make my way

Cheers, nca